I love it how people transform in a public toilet. Everyone is serious, nervous… they avoid eye contact and speak in hushed voices.

Well I enetered a cubicle once and started making fart noises, horrendous ones by blowing into my arm. I could hear everyone in the toilet going more quiet in disgust so I raised the volume a notch.

Then someone who could stand it no longer shouted “JESUS!” and stormed out

I don’t remember where I saw it, but I remember reading once:

“Some folks come here to sit and think,
but I just come to shit and stink.”

Still my favorite bit of wall writing… What’s yours?

So I Just got off the pot after holding it in for a while and I’m so relaxed I could fall asleep.

It’s strange how pleasure appears to be relative, having an ass full of chocolate hot dogs sure is uncomfortable, but that return to normality after launching them out of your cornhole is so refreshing, all the stress and tension you see in the face of a man holding it in while he scampers like an idiot to the nearest stink lodge and crash lands onto the seat just melts away and you see him emerge relaxed and smiling. Maybe the best time to ask your boss for a raise is right after he takes a dump. You might not want to shake his hand though…

I guess that’s why some folks smile when they proudly announce “I’ve gotta take a huge shit”, because they know that soon they will be basking in the soothing state of poop afterglow.

Ahhh.. This is what every pooper dreams of..

The Neorest Pooping Throne

The Neorest 600

The lid automatically opens when you approach it, the seat warmer keeps your poop flaps cozy, and when you’re done, it shoots your privates with an “oscillating spray massage” before drying you off with a jet of hot air right up your corn hole. Nothing like an ass-warming, ass-emptying, ass-washing, ass-massaging, ass-drying, air-purifying, no-touch toilet.

And you don’t even have to buy it dinner first. But then again, I suppose you are buying it dinner…. hmmmmmmm

I don’t have anything interesting to say today so here’s a picture of a pooping turkey:

Last night I had an experience I don’t think comes around often.

I went to bed as I usually do, closed my eyes and slipped into a calm, blissful sleep. The dream I had was rather mundane, except for the fact that I kept shitting myself. It was very distressing.. I was going about my daily activities and shit-slurpee kept dribbling down my pant leg. The odd thing is, no one in my dream seemed to notice or care.

Then I woke up and realized what the problem was - and no - I didn’t crap all over myself - it must have been something I ate the day before because my ass was so full of fart fumes that it couldn’t hold anymore. The fart was literally seeping out of my ass hole.

At the time I wasn’t sure if air was all that was backing up the works so I went and sat on the throne, gave a hearty, half-asleep push and … the loudest, longest, fart I have ever heard exploded from my ass with so much force I thought my ass had exploded! - Looked back expecting to see blood, shit, and ass-parts all over the bathroom but sure enough, it was just a fart. Sitting on the toilet only amplified it.. and I live in an apartment.. and I guess my neighbor just happened to be in his bathroom at the same time because the next thing I heard was loud, uncontrollable laughter emanating from the wall.

The funny thing is that it didn’t stink at all.

As a follow up from my last post about how much toilet’s suck these days I’m going to bitch a little about toilet paper.

What the hell are we thinking??!? If you got shit on your hands would you be satisfied with just wiping it off as best you can with soft, dry paper? Of course not! It would clean off the visible butt-butter but you’d end up rubbing a lot of it into your skin like some kind of fucked up crap cream! I’m seriously considering keeping a box of wet-wipes on my toilet tank.

Why is it so important to me that my ass-crack is clean enough to eat out of? Maybe I’m a whack-job clean freak who decided to build a blog about pooping. Maybe subconsciously I just want to impress my neighbors dog with my clean-smelling ass the next time he sneaks up behind me and steals a whiff.

Maybe I just think pooping is funny

I must say I hate my toilet.

If you’re a guy and you’ve ever pissed while wearing shorts or underwear, you’ve probably felt some piss-particles splashing your legs. What in the hell is up with that?! Piss in the middle and get splashed. Piss on the edge and spray mini-droplets on the ledge of the bowl. It makes you wonder how much piss is making it back out of the damn bowl.

And I’m running out of toilet paper constructing these damn rafts and slings to keep from getting my ass wet. I’m buying so much damn toilet paper the lady at the supermarket giggles every time I come back for more. Going to the damn bathroom has become an major event, I feel like I’m locked in mortal combat with cleanliness every time I approach that whooshing poop eater.

What a piece of shit…

So I was dropping some loaf today when a thought occurred to me: “Exactly how many dookiedogs have I squeezed through my rectum in my entire life? hmmmm…..” Then I thought about how cool it would be if toilet’s had poodometers. Little devices that count turds and maybe even count your flushes too. Toilets could be sold with a 10,000 turd guarantee and the advertising integrity of 2000 flushes toilet bowl cleaner could be more accurately put to the test.

Some people like it, some people don’t. It happens to almost everyone. You’re sitting there on the throne, coaxing out a log of doo and an instant after release you feel the cool, wet splash of toilet water on your ass. I have a friend who tells me he finds it ‘refreshing’. Nice. There’s nothing quite like getting dirty, nasty toilet water in direct contact with your skin. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can stop the dreaded ’splash back’ once and for all. All you need is a toilet paper raft.

Toilet paper rafting is lost and subsequently rediscovered over the generations due to a general lack of communication about the art of pooping. Not many schools teach pooping technique and as far as I know there are no books on the subject either.

The toilet paper raft is constructed by taking a length of toilet paper and folding it over itself several times so you’re left with a square ‘raft’ large enough to cover the entire drop-zone. This raft is then gently placed in the toilet right before the commencement of pooping. As long as the raft is afloat, splashing is minimized by the layer of paper between you and the water. If you’re delivering a large payload, you may need to deploy a second raft as it doesn’t take much loaf to sink the first. If you had the special last night then you may need three or more.