Some people like it, some people don’t. It happens to almost everyone. You’re sitting there on the throne, coaxing out a log of doo and an instant after release you feel the cool, wet splash of toilet water on your ass. I have a friend who tells me he finds it ‘refreshing’. Nice. There’s nothing quite like getting dirty, nasty toilet water in direct contact with your skin. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can stop the dreaded ’splash back’ once and for all. All you need is a toilet paper raft.

Toilet paper rafting is lost and subsequently rediscovered over the generations due to a general lack of communication about the art of pooping. Not many schools teach pooping technique and as far as I know there are no books on the subject either.

The toilet paper raft is constructed by taking a length of toilet paper and folding it over itself several times so you’re left with a square ‘raft’ large enough to cover the entire drop-zone. This raft is then gently placed in the toilet right before the commencement of pooping. As long as the raft is afloat, splashing is minimized by the layer of paper between you and the water. If you’re delivering a large payload, you may need to deploy a second raft as it doesn’t take much loaf to sink the first. If you had the special last night then you may need three or more.