Ahhh.. This is what every pooper dreams of..

The Neorest Pooping Throne

The Neorest 600

The lid automatically opens when you approach it, the seat warmer keeps your poop flaps cozy, and when you’re done, it shoots your privates with an “oscillating spray massage” before drying you off with a jet of hot air right up your corn hole. Nothing like an ass-warming, ass-emptying, ass-washing, ass-massaging, ass-drying, air-purifying, no-touch toilet.

And you don’t even have to buy it dinner first. But then again, I suppose you are buying it dinner…. hmmmmmmm

As a follow up from my last post about how much toilet’s suck these days I’m going to bitch a little about toilet paper.

What the hell are we thinking??!? If you got shit on your hands would you be satisfied with just wiping it off as best you can with soft, dry paper? Of course not! It would clean off the visible butt-butter but you’d end up rubbing a lot of it into your skin like some kind of fucked up crap cream! I’m seriously considering keeping a box of wet-wipes on my toilet tank.

Why is it so important to me that my ass-crack is clean enough to eat out of? Maybe I’m a whack-job clean freak who decided to build a blog about pooping. Maybe subconsciously I just want to impress my neighbors dog with my clean-smelling ass the next time he sneaks up behind me and steals a whiff.

Maybe I just think pooping is funny

I must say I hate my toilet.

If you’re a guy and you’ve ever pissed while wearing shorts or underwear, you’ve probably felt some piss-particles splashing your legs. What in the hell is up with that?! Piss in the middle and get splashed. Piss on the edge and spray mini-droplets on the ledge of the bowl. It makes you wonder how much piss is making it back out of the damn bowl.

And I’m running out of toilet paper constructing these damn rafts and slings to keep from getting my ass wet. I’m buying so much damn toilet paper the lady at the supermarket giggles every time I come back for more. Going to the damn bathroom has become an major event, I feel like I’m locked in mortal combat with cleanliness every time I approach that whooshing poop eater.

What a piece of shit…